


said i couldn’t love someone (cause i might break)

by reijners



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Kissing in the Rain, M/M, zalex are soulmates you can’t tell me otherwise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:08:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24732856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reijners/pseuds/reijners
Summary: “I don’t know what the truth is! It’s like you just said yourself - I can’t even be honest with myself.”“Then try.”“I think…” Zach swallows hard, his next words forming faster than he can realize. “I think I might be...in love with you?”_____or, the one in which zach is determined to keep alex at a distance, until a rainy night confrontation at jessica’s new year party forces him to face the truth about his feelings.
Relationships: Zach Dempsey/Alex Standall
Comments: 4
Kudos: 135





	said i couldn’t love someone (cause i might break)

**Author's Note:**

> hi! if you enjoyed this, please follow me on twitter (@zaynteriude + @butterflywylie) or tumblr (luvonfilm)

Zach rings the doorbell once, twice, before shoving his hands in his pockets and shivering. The soft pitter-patter of the rain is picking up its pace, and he taps his foot impatiently, waiting for someone to answer the door before he’s soaked.

The door swings open, and Jessica’s bright smile appears. She throws her arms around Zach, catching him off guard. “Zach! You made it!”

Zach chuckles. “Yup. It’s not like you texted me only a hundred times, telling me that I’d be sorry if I didn’t come.”

Jessica hits him playfully before shouting. “Guys! Zach’s here!”

When Jessica had gone home to her dad’s house over the holidays and invited her high school circle of friends over for a new years eve party, Zach was hesitant to come - high school held way too many bad memories for him, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be surrounded by the same group that had been a part of those memories - but Jess had begged and now here he was, standing in her doorway.

He looks around as he enters the house. Everyone made it, it seems.

There’s Clay, his eyes a little brighter than they ever were in high school. And Ani, a fuzzy sweater hanging over her crisp white dress. Courtney is in the corner chatting with a joyful looking Tyler. And-

A sudden knot forms in Zach’s stomach as his gaze lands on the blonde boy Jessica has gone over too. He doesn’t know why he suddenly feels uneasy (no, that’s a lie, he knows exactly why he feels the way he feels) but he tries his best to shake it off as he walks to Alex.

He clears his throat as he reaches him. “Hey, uh, Alex.”

Alex turns away from Jessica. His eyes meet Zach’s, and a smile twists across his face. “Zach!” There’s a beat of silence and then the two boys are embracing each other. Jessica laughs. “I’ll let you two have your moment.” She says in a singsong tone as she walks away.

“I missed you, a whole fucking lot. It’s been a while.” Alex says.

“It’s actually only been, like, six months since we last saw each oth-”

“Shut up, will you?” Alex groans before pulling Zach in for another hug. “Everything feels different without you.”

Zach stays silent. He doesn’t know how to respond to that.

They break apart. Silence falls over them again until Zach asks “How’s Berkeley?”

“It’s...good. Amazing, actually. I get to see Jessica all the time, I’ve found some new friends that get me, I’m doing great in all my classes...everything is okay. It’s so okay. And I love it.” Alex breathes.

“That’s great. I’m happy for you.” Zach does his best to keep his words light and airy, but something pokes at his heart.

Alex is okay. After everything they’ve been through in high school, he’s okay. His life is just fine how it is.

Zach swallows hard. “I’m gonna go, uh, find Clay.” he mumbles.

He’s about to head away when Alex asks “So are you gonna tell me why you’ve been ignoring me?”

Zach spins around. “I - what? I haven’t been...what?”

Alex chuckles. “Okay, Zach. Keep telling yourself that.”

“I’m not-”

“You barely answer my texts anymore, you make up some weird excuse everytime I ask to meet up...I used to be your person to confide in and now everytime I ask how you’re doing, you respond with some vague answer. Something’s changed with you. With us.”

Zach freezes. “There’s no ‘us’.” he hisses. “Don’t you remember in high school, when we were together all the time? You were never happy. But then you got with Charlie and you were happier than I’ve ever seen. You’re doing well at college, you’ve found your people...maybe it’s better if I’m not in your life.”

Alex shakes his head. “Why are you bringing Charlie into this? We broke up a month ago. I told you that.”

“Right. But that’s not the point. My point is...you have other people, Alex, that treat you well. You don’t need any support from me anymore.”

“So this is all some, like, weird jealousy, because now you’re not the only person who cares about me?”

“No! It’s not like that!” Zach presses his palms into his eyes. “Forget it, Alex.”

_________________

“Ten minutes to midnight!” Jessica whoops, throwing her hands in the air. Her dad bounds down the stairs, raising an eyebrow.

“I don’t wanna see any of you drinking...or making love...or doing any of that crazy teenager stuff, not in this household.” he declares.

“Dad!” Jessica whines.

“You’re lucky I’m even letting you throw a party on your visit home!” he retorts.

Everyone laughs, and Zach tries his best to join in on the joyfulness that the atmosphere is charged with, but he can’t ignore the sinking feeling that still lingers in his chest. He feels someone staring at him, and turns around to see Alex’s blue-green eyes locked on his.

All of a sudden, the chatter and giggles in the room sound fuzzy and faraway, and Zach finds it hard to swallow.

He turns on his heel, heading down the hallway and to the front door. He steps outside, needing some air, but instead is met with chilling rain. “Shit.” he mumbles. He forgot it was raining.

Still, he really doesn’t want to go back inside. He should’ve never come. Nothing has changed. He still can’t repress the mess of hurt and confusion and longing that Alex makes him feel.

“Zach?”

Zach spins around, finding himself face to face with Alex.

“It’s almost new year’s. Why are you out here?” Alex raises an eyebrow.

“Because you were in there.”

“Wow, thanks.”

Zach laughs bitterly. “You don’t understand. You make it all so complicated.”

“Oh, I’m the complicated one? You’re the one who’s been pushing me away after being my lifeline in high school.” Alex retorts.

“I was never your lifeline. All I did was drag you down with me.”

“You never dragged me down! You saved me.”

“Maybe I once did. But then - then I changed. I became destructive, Alex.”

Alex steps closer, so close that Zach feels his whole body go numb.

“I don’t think you’re being honest with me. Or yourself.”

“Fuck off. I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“I want you to tell me the truth!” Alex snaps.

“I don’t know what the truth is! It’s like you just said yourself - I can’t even be honest with myself.”

“Then try.”

“I think…” Zach swallows hard, his next words forming faster than he can realize. “I think I might be...in love with you?”

Alex’s hands fall slack at his sides. “Well, shit.”

Zach waits for Alex to say something else, anything else, to free him from the ropes of agony winding through and around him.

But Alex stays silent, and so Zach begins to walk back to the door.

“How long?”

Zach swivels around. “Huh?”

“How long have you been in love with me?”

“Alex…”

“Just tell me the truth.”

Zach inhales shakily. “I think it was when we kissed. Or maybe it was before that. I’m not sure exactly.” He pauses. “But I realized it the day of Justin’s funeral. When we went to Monet’s. I saw you and Charlie holding hands. He gave you safety. Comfort. Things that I couldn’t promise.”

“Damn it, Zach! You should’ve told me!”

“No. Nothing good would’ve come out of it.”

“We could’ve-“

“The last time I loved someone, she killed herself!” Zach cries, becoming aware of the tears slipping down his cheeks. It occurs to him that he’s soaked in rain. He’s freezing, and shaking, and falling apart in front of the boy that means everything to him, all because he can’t love. He doesn’t know how to.

“I get it.” Alex whispers.

“No, you don-“

“You never tried to pursue me cause you felt like a lost cause who fucks everything up. You hurt Hannah, you feel like you let everyone else in your life down...you were tired of hurting people, and you were tired of getting hurt. And I was something so special to you - you didn’t want to risk it.”

Alex’s words hang in the air around Zach, biting at the weakest parts of his heart.

“I know because that’s everything I felt towards you.” Alex finishes

Zach lifts his head. “Y-you - you had feelings for me too?”

“I literally kissed you!”

“And that was all you ever did!” 

“Because, if I recall, you were the one that said that you weren’t into boys.” Alex raises an eyebrow.

“Oh. I did say that.”

“Exactly.” Alex crosses his arms. “I was struggling just as much as you were, yet I was still willing to give you a chance. But you pushed me away, just like you’ve been pushing me away lately.”

“I’m a fucking coward!” A pained sob escapes from Zach’s mouth. “Loving is too much. I can’t do it.”

“You can try.” 

“No.”

“I can help you.”

Zach runs a hand through his raindrop-glittered black hair. “After all this time, you’re not giving up on me?” He huffs. It doesn’t feel right. “Why can’t you let me go?”

“Because you’re worth it.” Alex touches his hand to Zach’s, and intertwines their fingers slowly. “When I was dating Charlie, he made me realize I wasn’t incapable of love. And now, I want to make you feel like that.”

For a second, Zach finds himself falling into the delicious possibility of finally being able to let someone heal the scars he’s left open for too long.

And then the walls close over his heart again and the risks and dangers and what ifs kickstart in his mind.

He pulls his hand away and turns around again.

Alex grabs his wrist.

“Hi. I’m Alex Standall. And you are?”

“Huh?” Zach blinks confusedly before shaking his head. “No. I’m not doing...this.”

“It’s a minute to new year’s. A fresh start.”

“New year’s doesn’t mean anything.”

“But it can.” Alex grasps Zach’s hand again, firmer than before. “I’m Alex Standall. And - and I think you’re beautiful. Even right now, with your jacket soaked and hair tousled, I wouldn’t trade you for the world. So please, please, if you truly care about me, give me a chance before I take back everything I just said.”

Zach inhales.

Alex grabs his other hand.

Zach exhales.

And then he surprises himself.

“Hi, Alex. I’m Zach. I don’t understand how you - how anyone - could see me as beautiful…but...I think you’re beautiful too. More than beautiful.”

Alex’s arms wrap around Zach’s neck. “I like that. Is there anything else you want to say to me?”

“I shut people out.” Zach’s voice cracks, “I don’t know how to love like that. Do you think you could help me?”

“Yeah. I think I could. I want to.” A smile tugs at Alex’s lips. “Pleasure meeting you, Zach.”

Cheers and laughter echo faintly from inside the house. Zach can just barely hear a chorus of voices counting down. “ten...nine...eight…”

He cups Alex’s face with both rain-slicked hands.

“seven…six...five...four...”

Alex leans in just barely.

“three...two...one…happy new year’s!”

This time, Zach is the one who closes the space between their lips.

It’s nothing like the kiss they shared on the rooftop all those months. That one was spontaneous, lighthearted. This time, Zach knows exactly what he’s doing.

For a second, the world falls away and it’s just them, lips melding together as rain beats down on them.

Zach is shivering, his clothes soaked and hair dripping. And yet none of that matters because he’s kissing Alex Standall.

They break apart slowly. “I never thought I would get to do that again.” Alex laughs softly, resting his head against Zach’s chest.

The door flies open and Jessica marches out. “There you guys are!” She shakes her head. “You missed the countdown! And you’re...soaking? Have you guys just been - standing here, in the rain?”

“We were talking!” Alex shoots back defensively. 

Zach laughs. “And kissi-“ His voice cuts off when Alex kicks him in the shin lightly.

Jessica raises an eyebrow at Alex. “Alex?”

“I’ll tell you later.”

Jessica’s eyes flit back and forth, from Zach to Alex, before she lets out an exasperated sigh. “Just - come back inside, guys. We have cupcakes.”

_________________

The rest of the night zips by in a refreshing sort of way. They eat, share stories, dance, share cheesy new year’s resolutions, pose for photos together. It surprises Zach, how at ease everyone is - these are the same people who spent high school tangled in mysteries of tapes and trials and deaths. Maybe this is what they’ve always deserved - happiness.

Maybe Zach deserves happiness. Maybe he just needs to accept that.

At four AM, when most of the crowd begins to depart to spend time with their family before they have to go back to college, Zach and Alex linger on the porch.

“I’ll see you soon,” is what Alex says as he kisses his cheek before heading to his car.

Zach watches him go.

He feels a flurry of sensations tug at his chest. Weakness. Hope. Healing.

For the first time in a while, he realizes that he’ll be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> hi! if you enjoyed this, please follow me on twitter (@zaynteriude + @butterflywylie) or tumblr (luvonfilm)


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